yoga diary - entry 23

New Day, new lesson.

I tried to use my usual yoga class DVD this morning, only to find it would not work. At first I was disappointed and wondered what to do, then I decided to change my routine and try a class online.

Learned a lot.

The class I do is fairly rigorous but doesn't have much in the way of core development. The instructor is really gentle and calm and easy to follow but there are things I benefit from that are not in her style of teaching.

Trying a new class was easy. It made me feel good in a different way, it made me aware that I am getting good at that one class, not at yoga in general and I need to branch out.

Coincidentally, things seem kind of screwy with work today. I can't find the company website online at all which makes me think something odd is going on. One must always guard against becoming paranoid so, ok - no paranoia but after I cleared my history I found I was no longer on the Linkedin group either. Is this because I expressed my lack of expertise in the discussion about establishing a green waste standard yesterday? Is the fact that my very modest paycheck seems not to be forthcoming after all tied into this? Or is it all part of the usual one-day-after-red-tide gloom interpretation that I've noticed is a fact of life for me as of about six months ago?

It's awfully difficult to function without a net.

When things go wrong, it's important to always have the means to turn to something else and benefit from that.

I need to learn not to attach to one project but to remember that I am a writer, that's what I am. And I need to develop that because ultimately, that is what is going to make me good at what I do, that is what will carry me where I need to go and that is who I am.

Lesson? Expect change. Be mindful, adaptable and have a core that is not broken by the removal of any one piece of life.

Yoga diary - entry 22

Here's a new challenge.

Things are going well. Seems I can accomplish anything I choose to do with ease. That makes it a little harder to get down to my practice every day.

I've started sending up a prayer to keep me on track after I'm done and find it helps.

Must keep reminding myself, yoga doesn't take time - it buys me extra time through the day. My writing is better, my ability to communicate gets stronger every day.

The issue is, once you have something it is easy to forget it must be nourished, continued, cherished and pursued with as much ardor as when you didn't have it at all, maybe more.

It's like love that way.

And like love, it also requires, space, balance, room to breathe and silence.

Namaste.

Settling

People I know have observed and remarked that one distinctive fact of my life is my inability, through choice or circumstance, to settle down.

I used to have some fairly predictable responses to this observation; denial was one, defensiveness and shame was another and a third was a feeling of having been deprived by fate.

After many years, I have reached a point in life where the things I want are mostly manifested in my day to day reality. I have work I love, I have my freedom. And now that these things seem finally to be within my grasp, I feel ready and able to "settle down."

However, I should probably point out that my version of settling down doesn't read much like anyone else's.

It doesn't even resemble my own idea of where I was headed when I started out on this life. When I started, I thought I wanted to live in New York City, marry an artist before the age of 30, and be supported by him. At least, I think that's what I had in mind,

My family made it pretty clear to me that my only means of support would be through marriage and so I made finding the man a priority for a long time.

When I went to University, I wanted not to want to be married and so I pushed that aside. It never really went away and a really destructive relationship with a man who needed me on every level when I did not need him ensued.

Then there was the Big Impossible Love.

All the while I kept on quietly working away, much more slowly than I would have if I had understood what I was doing but working anyway.

Now, really and truly on my own and coming into my own with professional respect and the promise of the freedom to come and go as I choose internationally attendant to that respect, (and accomplishment) I wake up in my tiny apartment, look out over the blue sky and the rooftops of my urban neighborhood and I feel a deep sense of calm.

I'm not planning to stay here. The truth is, I think it likely that I will, from now on, always divide my life between at least two cities and, if things go one possible way, maybe between three. There will be a partner, as close as I am likely to get to a husband, in one of them. In the others I will be solitary but not unhappy. There will be travel. Work will command a big place in my heart.

I never knew it when I started and I felt as though there was something wrong with me because I couldn't seem to fix my life but I realize now, for me, this is settling down.

I am making a clear space where I can be fully myself. I am making room to write in my daily life. I'm loving more carefully but more fully. I didn't have the lovely ceremony or the three beautiful children or the house that filled with cherished memories and family treasures over years but I could not have understood those things without the life I've led so far behind me. If they never happen now (and really, chances are they never will - the math just doesn't bear that scenario out anymore) then it's still good. My life is still better than it would have been if I had settled in my body before I settled in my heart and in my spirit.

So I'm settling down. And that's a good thing. It probably doesn't look much like settling would to most people but it is settling to me and for the time being - that's very fine.

How to Read.

U.S. will do new studies on Keystone XL tar sands pipeline

March 15, 2011 | 7:53 pm LA Times


The U.S. State Department will require additional environmental studies before granting a permit for the 1,660-mile Keystone XL pipeline, proposed to carry oil from the tar sands of northern Canada through the U.S. heartland and on to south Texas.

This is the issue stated in the broadest possible terms. It has to be simple because otherwise most people will not read on. In this case, the word "oil" stands in for bitumen which is not exactly oil since it has a lot of other stuff mixed in with it but will be refined into oil once it reaches its destination.

The reporter uses the word "oil" partly because this is how the business people involved in the process have referred to it from the outset but also because to list the details about what is actually traveling through that pipeline would take another paragraph. After they were listed, you'd have to explain why they matter. This article is written by a senior journalist or it wouldn't be even this long. Word count matters more than detail.

In an announcement Tuesday, department officials said they would open a new round of public comments on a Supplemental Environmental Impact Statement, to be released in mid-April, with a decision on whether to grant a permit for the controversial pipeline now expected by the end of the year.

A copy of the announcement may be found here.

There is also commentary from all sides on the same blog.

Here, you need to see the announcement to understand that the government will be inviting comments. This could mean a number of things but one thing it means almost certainly is that you will need to make an effort and stay on top of this in order to make your comment to the people charged with making this decision. The people who care about this issue might be notified - probably not. If this statement puts your mind at ease? It probably shouldn't. It doesn't mean a coherent, comprehensive review of the situation will take place before making a decision, it means that the people in power recognize that they need to respect the American Constitution, consult with the American people and raise the issue in a forum that permits freedom of speech before they go ahead.

You can keep your rights and use them but nobody is likely to make it easy for you to do so.

Pipeline opponents have long called for new environmental reviews, looking especially at the ability of a standard oil pipeline to safely carry the diluted bitumen found in the tar sands of northern Alberta.

Here, the author does refer to bitumen but does not explain what it is. It's used as a synonym for oil and you might be forgiven for assuming that is the case. It kind of is but mostly, it's not. The author has, however, given you enough clues that you can look it up for yourself and in cases like this, you should because otherwise, you really cannot understand the rest of the article.

A study last month by three of the nation's biggest environmental organizations and the Pipeline Safety Trust warned of a higher risk of corrosion-related spills linked to higher levels of abrasives, temperature and acidity in tar sands oil -- claims that TransCanada, the pipeline builder, has rebutted.

Again, not exactly. It's not "tar sands oil" it's the raw material that comes out of the tar sands. It won't be oil until it's been steam treated and separated. Steam requires water. If you do the research on bitumen, that is clear. (then you might question why a water-rich area of the continent is sending something that requires steam treating to a water-poor part of the continent. They're not sending water to go along with it.)

Ranchers in Nebraska and surrounding states are also calling on the State Department to look at the possibility of a new pipeline route that would avoid a sandy, vulnerable area above the Ogallala Aquifer, a key source of farmland irrigation and drinking water that underlies eight states in the Great Plains.

Water is the central issue here. This is your clue about that.


Now that the State Department has announced the new studies, opponents are worried whether the month before release of the new draft EIS will be enough to do them right.

In order to meet the requirement to be objective, reporters sometimes veer sideways on the road to the point. This is one of those instances. Environmental groups want this pipeline stopped but saying that doesn't lend any extra weight to the story and doesn't give them much of a chance to give a complex quote on the subject. Since business interests are well coached on giving complex, articulate, easily digested quotes, most reporters reach for some kind of parity from less well coached and well funded sources who speak in opposition to corporate interests. This is one of those situations. The quote is true - it's just kind of beside the point and as a result, it makes "opponents" look a bit vague and shrill.

"I hope this is not a Supplemental Environmental Impact Statement in name only. To do this job right, the State Department must analyze the air pollution and oil spills that can be expected from this pipeline, as well as explore alternative routes that avoid the Ogallala Aquifer. If they don’t, they will have a lot of angry ranchers to deal with," said Alex Moore, dirty fuels campaigner for Friends of the Earth.

See? Vague and Shrill - and he is a campaigner, not exactly a label that carries a whole lot of respect in the mainstream.

Moore said a spill last July of tar sands oil from a pipeline on the Kalamazoo River in Michigan provided evidence of the difficulty of cleaning up the thick, heavy material, especially in water. "The lesson we learned in the Kalamazoo River is that even six months later, they're nowhere near close to completing cleanup of that oil spill," he said.

This is absolutely true. Here's a link to prove it. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-08-02/enbridge-says-no-oil-remains-in-michigan-river-following-pipeline-rupture.html But by now, you probably doubt this source a little bit and are more likely to ask yourself what the other side of this story might have to say. There is also the question raised here, although unacknowledged, that if the State Department is considering granting permission for this project to come across the Canada/US border, why is it already in Michigan? Last time I checked, Michigan was part of the U.S. not Canada. (please note, I used the most conservative new report I could find as a citation here.)

Officials at TransCanada have insisted that similar oil has long been safely transported to U.S. markets.
"This oil product has been shipped into the U.S. for decades," TransCanada spokesman Shawn Howard said. "It's very similar in its chemical properties to some of the heavier crudes being moved around the U.S. on a daily basis."

True. In tanker trucks. He doesn't say that.

Contrary to the study prepared by the Natural Resources Defense Council and other environmental groups, he said, "the continued claims about this being some kind of highly corrosive product just aren't true."
"We're prepared to invest $13 billion in a pipeline to carry oil from Canadian and American oil fields, and these groups continue to claim that we're going to put something in it that will destroy and eat away at the pipeline? Does that make sense from a business standpoint?"

Well, sometimes they actually lie. He can do this because he can claim it's opinion. But you need to pay close attention to the last part of what he says, where he asks if they would do this and asks if it makes sense form a business standpoint. When a corporate spokesperson says that, the answer is almost always "Yes, it does." This is because their lawyers and actuaries have done the research, crunched the numbers and come up with a balance sheet and the $$$ value to the company of being able to do this exceeds the cost of any potential disasters. This does not mean there is no risk. It means they've weighed the risk and decided it makes financial sense for them to take it. The same is true of the Gulf Oil spill and Union Carbide's Indian subsidiary in Bhopal. You may have noticed that BP and Dow are still in business and still profitable. Disaster scenarios are calculated risks and they refer to them as calculated risks because they involve profit/loss projections.

He said about a quarter of Keystone XL's oil would be domestic U.S. production of lighter conventional crude from oil fields in North Dakota, South Dakota and Montana.

This statement is doubtless also true. It's a little shady to put it in here because it throws the bait of well-paid jobs into the pool during a time of real economic crisis. Note, they don't dwell on this but it's thrown out there and people concerned with the economy will notice it.

Howard said demands for rerouting the pipeline around parts of the Ogallala Aquifer fail to consider that "hundreds" of pipelines already cross above the underground waterway. Restudying the route now, he added, would mean forfeiting a large amount of money the company has spent for easements on the present proposed right-of-way and ultimately lead to new environmental problems by making the pipeline longer.

Here, you should ask yourself, "hundreds of pipelines carrying what?" If they're carrying non-toxic substances, this is not a fair comparison, in fact, if they're carrying anything less toxic than bitumen (and that would be pretty hard to do) then it's just a distraction.

The Texas-based Consumer Energy Alliance, a group which promotes greater domestic energy security, questioned the need for more environmental reviews, saying the pipeline has already been thoroughly studied. "It’s good that we can finally see the goal posts, but at the same time it’s frustrating that they have been moved again," spokesman Michael Whatley said.

This is for balance. Put in quite innocently. Here it bears mentioning that it's all written by the reporter in good faith. It's an important article that shares important information but you need to know how to read it in order to sort the wheat from the chaff Corporations spend a lot of money preparing for statements like these and also encouraging groups like this to carry on with their work. It makes everyone look reasonable and gives the impression that all sides are cooperating. Sometimes these organizations are - well, let's not get into that. It's nice that people are talking and it's good that a group in Texas is quoted with clarity and sympathy here but you need to remember Corporate spokespeople are trained to derail this kind of statement before it's even made and one of the best ways to do that is to be sane and reasonable and cooperative with environmental groups from the outset - at least, in conversation.

In addition to looking at corrosion and routing issues, the State Department should be examining the impact of boosting reliance on tar sands oil, the production of which results in the emission of a much larger proportion of greenhouse gases than conventional oil, along with the impact of the pipeline on air pollution in Gulf Coast refining communities, said Liz Barratt-Brown, senior attorney for the Natural Resources Defense Council.

"We think that an honest review will show that the Keystone XL pipeline is not needed and is too risky to permit,” she said.

There's the meat of the case being made against this project. Did you get this far? A lot of readers wouldn't. You always should.

The State Department in its announcement said the public would have an additional 45 days to comment on the new Supplemental EIS. The department will hold a public meeting in Washington, D.C., before making a final decision, required before any pipeline can cross into the U.S. from a foreign country.

-- Kim Murphy
LA Times, March 15, 2011

Here's a link to the article as it appears in its original form:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/greenspace/2011/03/tar-sands-oil-keystone-xl-state-dept.html

Yoga diary - entry 21

Here it is March 11, and I haven't been here since the first. I suppose one thing that tells you is that my practice has become part of my day. It's regular and so "normal" to me that writing about it daily would be like writing about brushing my teeth or how I slept the night previous.

But it is in these moments, I think, that we are most at risk of losing what we value.

I reminded myself as I was in the midst of a sun salutation today, that reaching as hard and as far as I can in this routine, stretching myself and making it into a deep, sweaty workout is something I do for my own benefit. Yoga allows me to eat more or less what I want and still see my body becoming stronger, fitter and leaner on a day by day basis. Doing yoga means I am not out of breath when I take the stairs, it gives me back the ability to go on walks for as long as I want. It makes sex better, much better, it frees me of the guilt I used to feel about getting exercise or not getting it. It makes me calmer and improves my balance, it insures against aches, pains and stiffness and after yoga, like after orgasm, my lips are full and red, my cheeks are rosy and my eyes are bright.

These are things I value - this is life. Yoga gives me life. It's not a chore.

So today, I was reminded to enjoy the things that make everything else possible. Enjoy work, enjoy writing, enjoy showering and sleeping and cultivating caring relationships, enjoy time alone to think, enjoy the cool of spring, the slow passage of time (as well as the swift) because these are the things that make anything exciting possible.

I have let go of regret and of bitterness too and maybe I'll mention here, I've started talking to someone who interests me and challenges and comforts me all at the same time.

It's all good.

Live in it.

That's my lesson for today.

Yoga diary - entry 20

Ok, it's been a while.

For one thing I thought if all I was doing was struggling, I should not bore anyone with the repetition of it. Even myself - and yoga has been nothing but struggling until my monthly break. Then there was guilt, cause that break went on for six days this month, then there was more guilt cause I didn't do my morning practice, instead I chose to try a new DVD and did two evening routines instead.

The evening routines were good and I will incorporate them into a regular thing doing my morning practice on weekdays and evening practice (well, late afternoon) on weekends. I think this will suit me better because it means I'm not getting resentful about doing exactly the same thing every single day, which I think would be drudgery even if it were something like eating chocolate, and it allows me to use one practice to boost the other. And that has been the net effect of falling into disorganization and then coming back into personal organization.

This morning's practice was bliss. I understood why I was doing it. I worked hard at it, I enjoyed it and I thought about very little else while I was doing it. This, I understand, is desirable so I'm glad.

As a result, I feel blissful, peaceful, self-confident and (although this still defies objective logic) svelte.

In fact, I feel so much better, so balanced and restored compared to the struggling creature I have been that when the ex called ot say he missed me, I answered - "of course you do. You love me." Instead of getting all limp and tearful with him. Yay for that.

And now - I have a bazilion things to get done and the energy to do them.

Lesson for today? Let yourself fall apart, let yourself become unglued and get reorganized to your own standards. It's got to be on your terms. This is my practice, I'm not doing it for the benefit of anybody else.