When is a reversal not a reversal?

I feel better today.

I still can't write about half the stuff that matters to me. I'm still stuck in the same situation, (if I ever was stuck) but I feel different.

Yesterday I walked to Barton Springs. It is a natural spring that feeds a swimming pool and a spring (that should have been the water source for the city but never mind). It was sacred to the people from this area and I can see why.

I walked to the springs, put my hand in the water, thanked the water and took a sip. And today, I feel cleansed. That might sound crazy but it is the closest thing to a ceremony rooted in the land that I've been able to have here. And it matters.

More later.

Things are going to be ok.

Winter

In Austin, winter comes in little spikes and then goes away again. By February, summer clothes will be all a person needs here. Right now, there are days when a jacket is a good idea and nights when scarf and gloves make sense but it will never be as cold as it is in Victoria or Ottawa or even New England and the sun shines every day.

I never thought I'd understand snowbirds. All my life I've wanted two things, my freedom and security. Seems to me now that alone, those two things cancel each other out. In order to feel safe enough to consider options, a woman really needs to be married. I was foolish to think it could be any other way.

The paradox of life is very much with me now. Things, places, situations, relationships - yes, they can become yours forever but even your forever won't last. As much as you love anything, everything - life is a temporary condition. It feels permanent but it's not, an element of loss is built in for everyone just because we all, one way or another, love each other.

So we keep our eyes on the things we want to keep - that's the only sensible way.

I can't help but notice the rest of the world is slowly catching up to some of the choices I've been forced to make in order to make my own life livable. I read an article about living in a smaller house today. Apparently it is becoming chic. I have lived for so long in an apartment that is under 500 square feet that I'm no longer comfortable with the idea of living in a space larger than 1200 square feet with someone I love. I look at houses and apartments to imagine how life might be for us some day and find that most of the ones I reject have one thing in common, they are too big.

More than anything else, if and when I am finally able to live with someone I truly do love, I want to live close.

So the year draws to a close and who knows if I will be able to keep my love, freedom doesn't matter so much to me anymore, now it's love and security. Maybe it's a function of the season but really, I think I'm just finally realizing what matters.