Things begin to settle

I don't know why it seems to take me so long to make transitions. I've been here two weeks now and have barely written a word, just got electricity, haven't got the gas hooked up. I suppose part of me is just as surprised to be here as the people I talk to who tell me I'm brave to go away for such a long time.

But really, I don't see it.

If you can possibly be somewhere you love with someone you care about, wouldn't you do it? Shouldn't you do it? Shouldn't everyone move heaven and earth to be happy? And isn't life short enough without assuming you can't do what you want to do? (provided you do not hurt others of course)

I think life is short. The world is pretty big to a little creature like me and if it is even remotely possible for me to pursue happiness, then I am going to do exactly that to the exclusion of everything else.

The thing is, when I was in my 20's I had this little breakthrough that life without real happiness was pointless. Sure, I wanted to do right by the people around me, be a good person, benefit the world, all that stuff but if I lived in absolute misery while I was doing those things then what did that say about the gift of life that the Creator gave directly to me? After all, that's the only gift I know for sure was meant for me.

Singing is for other people too, so is writing, art of any kind, a sense of duty, the ability to exert oneself on behalf of others, the health I gave to my only son - those are gifts G-d gave me to pass on to others and it was an honor to do so but without a sense of joy and wonder and without some daring, daring to be fully alive - they don't mean very much.

So here I am, finally cracking the crust of my inactivity. Settling like a feather on a ledge, I suppose - probably easy enough to set me adrift again, although I hope not.

I have been true in my heart. True to myself and true to love - in all its many forms. I hope, I like to think, we can all say that but I'm told it's unusual. It shouldn't be.

I've been told I'm lucky but I think I'm just awake. I'm poor - poorer than I've ever been. Certainly poorer than I ever expected to be but if the cost of money is your soul, then I really think it is a blessing to be poor.

It is a blessing to have a mind and be able to speak it, however clumsily. It's a blessing to stay awake, a blessing to draw breath and see the sky. I'm aware of it - so aware I can't dismiss it, can't put it off for even a minute. I can endure the reluctance of others, people I love who are still afraid to stand up and be in the world but not of it but I can't live that way myself. For me there is no other choice and I do need to remember that. Waiting seems kind but ultimately it is wasteful.

I need to write but maybe I also need to just shut up and post some more pictures.