How to show restraint

Right now, right this very minute, I am fighting the impulse to gush publicly about my new husband. I want to tell everyone how fantastic he is, how smart, how kind, how surprising, how talented, how tasteful, how funny, how considerate, how sweet, how tender, how strong and how handsome he is - all the things that make me happier by the day.

 I find myself caught by surprise by the sight of his broad shoulders or a glimpse of his hand on my arm in bed and how it's made a hundred times better by seeing the wedding ring on his finger and remembering how it was something he wanted more than I did. I didn't care if we had rings or not but it mattered to him, his ring matters to him.

 It makes me pause and catch my breath to realize this wonderful man is, as much as this is true of anyone with anyone else, mine. He belongs with me - by choice. I am the luckiest woman in the world and the rash and crazy thing I did a few months back? Getting on that train a month early, on a day's notice, without any idea of how I'd manage the trip?

Smartest thing I ever, ever did.

By far, hands down, no question, the single smartest decision of my entire life.

If I have learned anything in my life it's this: FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

 Forget money, forget convention, forget common sense and do what your heart tells you to do, it's right.

 It's surprisingly hard to keep this stuff to myself. My husband is easily embarrassed by too much attention so he doesn't want to hear me trumpeting to anyone and everyone about how wonderful he is and how happy we are and let's face it, nobody's friends want to hear anyone going on about being crazy in love. At best, it's boring and at worst, it rubs salt into the wounds of those who aren't so happy in their love lives or their lives in general.

 It's also pretty interesting to see people react to this change in my life. I have a cousin who has, since she reached adulthood, been pretty horrible to me behind my back. Generally speaking, I've ignored it. She's made up crazy stories and generally done all she can to alienate me from my Mother's family. Not that alienating me from my mother's family required a lot of effort - I was already more than halfway there.

Anyway, the reasons for this are unimportant I suppose, water under the bridge - who cares? Actually, I'm not even sure I know but it is what it is. Apparently she has been diagnosed with some kind of mental illness - that can't be easy and I am grateful my life path hasn't taken me down that road.

 To my great surprise, one day on Facebook I came across a comment she made about my marriage. She commented to another Aunt that she had found out about my marriage and wondered if my mother knew. She then said "I guess I'm the cougar now." That was pretty insulting, especially since I've never pursued younger men, and I have turned all of them down based on age but for one big mistake - and that's long over.

(My husband, although you'd never know it, is ten years my senior - the only reason I have ever wished he was younger was when I realized the human lifespan is limited and women tend to live longer than men. Now that I've finally found him, the thought of a day without him is unbearable.)

Last night I had to comment on my cousin's actions, I couldn't help myself. It's one thing to be unkind about me behind my back but to take my mother's hard-won dignity, which is already in pretty short supply and fairly fragile - well, I couldn't stay silent about that.

 Marriage has changed me. It has changed me more than love ever did, maybe more than love ever could. It has enabled me to feel secure enough to be emotionally brave. It has taken the fear away. I'm stronger, happier, more secure. It's changed my life. Now if I could only figure out how to stop wanting to talk about it.

More Changes

It's surprising to me how much changes after marriage. Feeling more secure in one's relationship can't help but have a positive effect. I wake up happy every morning. Even if I've had a night full of nightmares, which sometimes still happens, (I'm making some pretty big adjustments after all) I'm happy to see his face, happy to know his affection is not up for negotiation, just basically happy. There are some other things though, things that surprise me and not always happily. Adjusting to a new kitchen, new methods of cooking and new supplies of food - I'm not much liking that at all. I just finished a dinner that was entirely unsatisfying. Makes me grumpy to think I spent all that time cooking and eating this stuff with no dessert to make up for how entirely uninspired and unpalatable (to me) it was. I ate it because it was fuel, nothing more, nothing less. I tried to cook pork in a way that would have rendered it delicious in Ottawa. I put it in the oven and slow-cooked it for nearly two hours. Slashed the fatty areas and threaded them with garlic, put it on a bed of mushrooms and onions, threw in some peppers and sweet potatoes and covered the whole thing with tomatoes, added some cider vinegar to cook things down and a little olive oil in case the pork wasn't fatty enough (which is often the case these days unless you buy a heritage breed) it should have all melted together and gotten delicious. It didn't. I don't know if it's because of the convection oven or just because whatever took me two hours in Ottawa takes four hours here but it was undercooked, the flavors did not blend and it was just plain - yuck. I used to be good at this. People think I'm still good at this and that's one of the worst parts; everything I make smells delicious and it is usually such a huge disappointment when I taste it - it's just frustrating and embarrassing too. How is it possible that I'm going through this stage? It's like I've never cooked before and that's just not so. My husband, Gd bless him, ate it anyway and said it was just fine. I ate it and ate the salad, made with bitter lettuce that I do not like and am now resentful because I've nourished myself with stuff that was a waste of the calories if you ask me and there's nothing to show for it and nothing to make up for it either. And it instantly gave me gas. This seems to be the case on a fairly regular basis. I am making my way through organic, local foodstuffs. I am very pleased to shop local. I am happy to be able to provide nourishing meals to my husband and save him some time in the process but if you'd asked me to trade every bite of tonight's substandard meal for one decent piece of chocolate cake? No contest. Now the rest of the bitter little salad sits at my elbow waiting to be consumed. I've had my quinoa, I've eaten my vegetables - what did I do to deserve this? Granted, I've lost weight and I feel better for eating healthy and I suppose I will eventually learn how to use all these things - gluten free this, whole grain everything, quinoa and millet (which, granted, I like when he makes it) but I am never going to like this bitter lettuce and right now - well, I'm just grumpy. I wonder if all brides go through this? Seems as though everything domestic that came so easily to me on my own needs to be reassessed and tailored to fit a new reality. I know it's all good but it's not always a pleasure. I love my new life but I do miss the pleasure I used to get from cooking and eating delicious food. I miss my identity as a good cook, I miss chocolate chip cookies (yes, made with white flour) and I miss knowing for sure that anything I put on the table is going to taste just as good as it smells.

The New Normal

I've closed this blog to anyone who isn't invited to read it. At first, I thought doing this would feel limiting. In fact, it has made me feel like writing more regularly. In the time since I last wrote, one of my boyfriend's former girlfriends, sought out this blog and used it to embarrass me. Truth is, I was forming a habit of saying too much. The way I saw it, online I am nobody - a random entity with a random name that would not arouse interest from anyone unless I specifically directed them here. The truth is, people are curious and will use whatever they find, whenever they find it if they feel wounded by circumstance or by someone else - anyway, it's just better not to have my life open to those who would do me harm. (and shockingly, they are out there. Wish I'd never learned that.) So, there's news and plenty of it. I've married a man in New England and so, I suppose, everything has changed. I wake up in the morning every day now with this new and precious aspect of my life firmly in place. I know, private or not, he doesn't want me to elaborate on our relationship in print but marriage is what it is and we have married. Maybe that's enough said, right there. So from here on, this blog is private. If I don't know you, you're not here and I am not a random cipher. That's going to take a bit of getting used to. For now, I think I'll go back to the bedroom and wake my new husband to start our day.