It was like living with a kid who was part of one of those foundations whose purpose it is to grant extravagent wishes of children who are going to die. Only he wasn't a kid, and he didn't die.
I am planning a trip, the first one for me in 12 years. One of the reasons my wings were bound to my sides was my choice of romantic partner. In the time we were together, rather than plan for us to things together, he moved back to his parents home when things got rough and from there he went to Austin Texas, Las Vegas, Seattle, the Niagara Wine Country, Virginia, California and so on.
He averaged two pleasure trips a year, bought a state-of-the-art projection television that turned one entire wall into a high definition TV screen, bought three gaming systems, countless video games, bottles of wine, nights out - you name it.
I struggled to keep it together, work, finish my education, keep a roof over my head and clothes on my back and spent time with him when he asked. We went to some movies and I admit, once or twice we made weekend trips to Montreal where we would spend at least part of the time visiting elderly relatives - his elderly relatives.
Mostly, I stayed home, either with or without him. I did not hold a passport - there was no reason for me to hold a passport, where was I going?
He had kidney disease. I assumed, as I think most people would, without even realizing I was doing it, that because of his suffering, every effort must be made to make him happy. This made me the sex wish - that was my job.
There were times when I would look at his face with it's heavy cheeks and little upturned nose and think - he is starting to look like a pig. And then I would hate myself for being so mean, after all, cortisone makes a person fat in the face, it wasn't his fault but you know, he looked like a pig because he was turning into a pig. He was turning into the most over-indulged, self-pitying, greedy version of himself it was possible to be and I was helping him do it.
I'm gone now - thank goodness - but I wanted to put this out there: treating a person with a chronic illness as though they deserve their every whim satisfied is a stupid thing to do. It kills you and just as surely, it kills them. At least it kills what is most human in them.
He hates me for leaving him - I have to get over hating me for staying as long as I did. When I finally left, he was 18 months into his second transplant, he was spending his days sleeping and eating and his nights playing video games, going out with friends and watching TV. He was still at his parents and he groped me, or tried to, right to the bitter end.
Loving someone is complicated, it's hard to recognize the difference between giving in to greed and need and actually loving. Slowly - agonizingly so, I am learning the difference. Sacrifice alone is not love. Receiving is a part of it too, building happiness - that matters.
I put this here because it bothers me to do so. I put this here because it could happen to you. I put this here because I wince every time I see it - and now, months after writing it. I put this here because I have reread it and reconsidered it and I know, beyond a doubt, that it is absolutely true.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Moon
Tonight the sky will darken and no moon will appear. We call it the new moon - another paradox.
The moon is new when it cannot be seen and old when it is fully visible. Summer comes when the days begin to shorten and the earth turns another face toward the sun.
I think it is possible that astrologers, like the writers of scripture, were trying to give humanity the benefit of their observations of metaphor as they resonate throughout our own little lives. The moon becomes new when it is unknown, dimmed, least present. The warmth of the sun floods our part of the earth in its wake. When these things are most focused on us, we feel their effects the least.
Seems to be the way with economics as well. Here we are, in the depths of an economic crisis and it is at this point that things begin to flutter back to life. However, so far all we see is damage just as all we saw was abundance when our resources were being plundered.
We make images of the things that have passed away in the form of poems or pictures, understanding them better in their absence than we did when they were here.
Is this why the philosopher said we cannot understand if we have been happy until our lives are over? Maybe it's why happiness is so hard to grasp even when we are in the midst of it.
I spend too much time looking out the window. Sometimes I am "working" when I do it - formulating thoughts, working out things I am writing at the time, but just as often I am waiting for some promised moment of happiness to arrive or watching the sunset and thinking about life or noticing the moon. These are, however, the moments I use to anchor myself when people around me, many of whom have not looked up or out for weeks at a time, are whirling, ever deeper into self-constructed disaster scenarios.
In that way, the light of those sunsets, those moonlit landscapes, illuminates and sustains rational thought in otherwise irrational moments. When the thing itself has passed away it lives within us in newer, stronger, more readily apparent ways.
Welcome moon. You have your home in me. And although I will look for your silver face in my window and wish to see more of you, I will also try to remember you are most present when away.
We know through memory, reflection
we read by moonlight
the glimmer within.
The moon is new when it cannot be seen and old when it is fully visible. Summer comes when the days begin to shorten and the earth turns another face toward the sun.
I think it is possible that astrologers, like the writers of scripture, were trying to give humanity the benefit of their observations of metaphor as they resonate throughout our own little lives. The moon becomes new when it is unknown, dimmed, least present. The warmth of the sun floods our part of the earth in its wake. When these things are most focused on us, we feel their effects the least.
Seems to be the way with economics as well. Here we are, in the depths of an economic crisis and it is at this point that things begin to flutter back to life. However, so far all we see is damage just as all we saw was abundance when our resources were being plundered.
We make images of the things that have passed away in the form of poems or pictures, understanding them better in their absence than we did when they were here.
Is this why the philosopher said we cannot understand if we have been happy until our lives are over? Maybe it's why happiness is so hard to grasp even when we are in the midst of it.
I spend too much time looking out the window. Sometimes I am "working" when I do it - formulating thoughts, working out things I am writing at the time, but just as often I am waiting for some promised moment of happiness to arrive or watching the sunset and thinking about life or noticing the moon. These are, however, the moments I use to anchor myself when people around me, many of whom have not looked up or out for weeks at a time, are whirling, ever deeper into self-constructed disaster scenarios.
In that way, the light of those sunsets, those moonlit landscapes, illuminates and sustains rational thought in otherwise irrational moments. When the thing itself has passed away it lives within us in newer, stronger, more readily apparent ways.
Welcome moon. You have your home in me. And although I will look for your silver face in my window and wish to see more of you, I will also try to remember you are most present when away.
We know through memory, reflection
we read by moonlight
the glimmer within.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Spring
Funny how it so often feels as though nothing ever changes even though we have evidence to the contrary on a daily basis. I remember a cartoon that really brought that idea home to me a long time ago - often wish I'd kept it. It was a Rose is Rose cartoon and at the time I remember considering it a poor substitute for Calvin and Hobbes. With my own news migration to the web I seldom look at the comics anymore - I wonder if they will pass away someday. They used to be my favorite part of the paper.
Anyway, in this particular cartoon Rose was leaning against a tree, wrapped up in scarf, hat, gloves, coat and boots as the winter wind howled around her. She was feeling the frustration of a long winter and living in Ottawa, I could (and still can) certainly relate to that. She told herself that while it might seem winter would last forever she knew Spring was coming and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. In the next frame a sad looking snowman on the other side of the tree agreed with her and sighed.
I think at different times we are all Rose and we are all the snowman. I try very hard to love every part of my life for that reason. Sure, it feels as though I have been stuck here forever but really - nobody is stuck anywhere, not even on earth for anywhere near long enough to love or understand the things around them fully. I loved the winter this year, as I always do. It is charming to see the ice form on the canal and feel the sharpness of the cold making your cheeks pink. It's comforting to wake up in a cool bedroom, snug inside the comforter surrounded by pillows and the stars in winter glitter just like chips of ice on a velvet collar.
Still it is uplifting to feel Spring in the air and sweet to hear the birds singing outside every morning. Exciting to hear the silver tinkle of water running underneath the ice on the streets and in the alleys and satisfying to feel it crack under your bootheels. It makes me want to dance.
The heart heals. People rise beyond your expectations. The sun lingers longer - new things are born and seeds sprout in seemingly impossible places.
Spring. God Bless it.
Anyway, in this particular cartoon Rose was leaning against a tree, wrapped up in scarf, hat, gloves, coat and boots as the winter wind howled around her. She was feeling the frustration of a long winter and living in Ottawa, I could (and still can) certainly relate to that. She told herself that while it might seem winter would last forever she knew Spring was coming and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. In the next frame a sad looking snowman on the other side of the tree agreed with her and sighed.
I think at different times we are all Rose and we are all the snowman. I try very hard to love every part of my life for that reason. Sure, it feels as though I have been stuck here forever but really - nobody is stuck anywhere, not even on earth for anywhere near long enough to love or understand the things around them fully. I loved the winter this year, as I always do. It is charming to see the ice form on the canal and feel the sharpness of the cold making your cheeks pink. It's comforting to wake up in a cool bedroom, snug inside the comforter surrounded by pillows and the stars in winter glitter just like chips of ice on a velvet collar.
Still it is uplifting to feel Spring in the air and sweet to hear the birds singing outside every morning. Exciting to hear the silver tinkle of water running underneath the ice on the streets and in the alleys and satisfying to feel it crack under your bootheels. It makes me want to dance.
The heart heals. People rise beyond your expectations. The sun lingers longer - new things are born and seeds sprout in seemingly impossible places.
Spring. God Bless it.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Morning walk pictures - second try
More troubles downloading photos - I have bad luck with technology sometimes.
Anyway, wanted to put pictures of ice here, images that are not common for people who don't live with a six month encrustation. The textures it takes on, the way it grows, flows, expands and decays - I find it all interesting. Ice takes the paths people take in the other seasons but even the ice is beginning to withdraw. Cracks and rifts, shelfs and brittle edges are beginning to appear - Spring is very close.
This morning's walk
We are on the very edge of spring here. Often it seems to require a lot of faith just to say that but that feeling teaches me more about the nature of faith and its connection to reality than it does about winter and spring.
Whether I choose to focus my attention on the fact that it has been well below freezing almost every day this week, that I always seem to be cold or that my version of spring bears very little resemblance to any of the versions experienced by my friends - the fact is, the earth is turning and spring is coming my ability to believe in it is irrelevant, even foolish since it stands in defiance of reality.
These are from this morning's walk -
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Oh Canada - is it our turn yet?
I never seem to get enough work but I do seem to spend most of my working hours on things political. Whether I'm writing about land use issues or arranging interviews for political authors or any one of a number of other things, they always seem to circle back to the political arena.
In such an environment it is nearly impossible to avoid forming opinions about party leaders and of course being somewhat opinionated anyway, it's doubly difficult.
When I was writing for the Frontier Centre, I tried to put my observations behind me - I'm not writing for them anymore, not because I don't need the work or the money but because I simply cannot maintain even the most theoretical support for reflex Conservatism. This means I'm free to state an opinion, however outlandish that opinion might be and here it is: Canada needs Danny Williams to run for the leadership of the Liberal party and ultimately as MP for his riding, to serve as Prime Minister of Canada.
I've floated this idea past a couple of people and they both said the same thing. First, he's a Conservative who has, thus far, expressed no interest in federal politics and second, could he win?
These are good questions and here are what I think might be good answers:
Federal parties have long since lost any real identification with provincial parties. Look at BC's Liberal party, they are well known as the descendants of the Social Credit party that held power in BC for so many years - the SoCreds, as they were known back in the day, were paeloconservatives. The SoCreds made Stephen Harper look like a candidate for the NDP.
Politicians have changed sides so often lately anyway that I really think the only party that could be considered to have a concrete and inflexible philosophy is the Bloc Quebecois and even there, remember the coalition agreement? Party loyalty is not what it once was and that's good, this is not inter mural sports - the future of the country is at stake. Blind team loyalty works for hockey, in politics it is for people who prefer not to think, just look at the Harper posse.
The bigger question is; could he win? I think he could. Canada needs a new leader, we need a leader who is sensible, compassionate and patriotic. We need a plainspoken leader who can understand the many and varied concerns that range across the vastness of this nation. We need someone who can speak to university intellectuals and to loggers and ranch hands alike. We need a leader who is not entirely urban nor entirely rural.
Newfoundland is a fishing province, it is an energy producing province, it is no longer a have-not province but it has been one for long enough to remember the sting of it. Newfoundlanders know what it means to depend on the land and to live in close proximity to the United States. Newfoundland is gorgeous, has been impoverished and has had to fight the feds to keep the wealth they've generated by the sweat of their own hard work. They've had to be smart. And Williams is one of their smartest. Oxford educated, business savvy and down-to-earth. He is as intellectually equipped as Ignatieff and as folksy as Bob Rae. He is well spoken, passionate and straightforward. Williams can win the west. Ignatieff cannot.
Williams has led a province through some of its darkest times and not an easy province to lead either. He knows what it takes to speak the truth with respect and have his views heard. BC residents will respect him for his awareness of logging and fishing issues, Alberta can be won over by his refusal to bend to the feds over the Oil clawbacks, Manitoba can relate to Newfoundland as one of Canada's other "other" provinces, consistently seen to be out of step with Ontario and always treated like a middle child.
Ontario just wants someone smart for a change. Ontario could be won over to Williams based only on the fact that he would be the only candidate who might look nearly as cool as Obama. In fact, Williams is taking on the U.S. in a nice way, with the Abitibi expropriation case. He's right and he'll win but he has, at least so far, done so nicely and with dignity. Harper has recently learned to ape those qualities but his act smacks of that fuzzy sweater from his latest election campaign - you can tell he can't wait until people stop expecting him to behave this way so he can take it off and return to his usual dead-eyed self.
Quebec likes a man who stands up for what he believes, Newfoundland and Quebec have both rejected federal control at one time or another, I think there are greater affinities between the people of those two provinces than we consider. Both have distinct cultures identifiable by even the most uneducated observer. Both are "down home" provinces happier to have a kitchen party than a Gala any day of the week - no matter what Harper says more artists gather in kitchens across this country than have ever even seen the inside of a Fairmont Hotel during a Gala. (I should know, I have worked Galas and let me tell you, they are chock-a-block with politicians. If artists are present they are usually the one in the corner of the room wearing the not-quite-appropriate ensemble and nervously trying to muster up the nerve to make eye contact with the Minister of somethingorother, while seceretly hoping they won't strike up a conversation and wondering where the guy with the appetizer tray has gotten to because they can't afford to eat things like like smoked duck on potato galettes or wild mushroom springrolls and they probably won't be able to afford that kind of thing for a long time to come. The artist at the table at the Gala is easy to spot because they finish their dessert and they do that because they won't be eating anything that decadent for a long time to come.)
As for the maritimes - I would argue that they have been Canada's second-tier Canadians for so long now that it is about time they had the opportunity to vote for one of their own. No, we don't have the same racial divide that they do in the states. (Ironically though, a big part of our African-Canadian population comes from the maritimes.) What we do have is a geographical divide and it is time the least among us in that regard, held the reins of power for a while. Canadians love an underdog and Newfies are our underdogs in almost every way - have been for decades.
I know Williams hasn't expressed the slightest interest in this - he should, his country needs him and I don't think it is just doable, I think it is crucial.
In such an environment it is nearly impossible to avoid forming opinions about party leaders and of course being somewhat opinionated anyway, it's doubly difficult.
When I was writing for the Frontier Centre, I tried to put my observations behind me - I'm not writing for them anymore, not because I don't need the work or the money but because I simply cannot maintain even the most theoretical support for reflex Conservatism. This means I'm free to state an opinion, however outlandish that opinion might be and here it is: Canada needs Danny Williams to run for the leadership of the Liberal party and ultimately as MP for his riding, to serve as Prime Minister of Canada.
I've floated this idea past a couple of people and they both said the same thing. First, he's a Conservative who has, thus far, expressed no interest in federal politics and second, could he win?
These are good questions and here are what I think might be good answers:
Federal parties have long since lost any real identification with provincial parties. Look at BC's Liberal party, they are well known as the descendants of the Social Credit party that held power in BC for so many years - the SoCreds, as they were known back in the day, were paeloconservatives. The SoCreds made Stephen Harper look like a candidate for the NDP.
Politicians have changed sides so often lately anyway that I really think the only party that could be considered to have a concrete and inflexible philosophy is the Bloc Quebecois and even there, remember the coalition agreement? Party loyalty is not what it once was and that's good, this is not inter mural sports - the future of the country is at stake. Blind team loyalty works for hockey, in politics it is for people who prefer not to think, just look at the Harper posse.
The bigger question is; could he win? I think he could. Canada needs a new leader, we need a leader who is sensible, compassionate and patriotic. We need a plainspoken leader who can understand the many and varied concerns that range across the vastness of this nation. We need someone who can speak to university intellectuals and to loggers and ranch hands alike. We need a leader who is not entirely urban nor entirely rural.
Newfoundland is a fishing province, it is an energy producing province, it is no longer a have-not province but it has been one for long enough to remember the sting of it. Newfoundlanders know what it means to depend on the land and to live in close proximity to the United States. Newfoundland is gorgeous, has been impoverished and has had to fight the feds to keep the wealth they've generated by the sweat of their own hard work. They've had to be smart. And Williams is one of their smartest. Oxford educated, business savvy and down-to-earth. He is as intellectually equipped as Ignatieff and as folksy as Bob Rae. He is well spoken, passionate and straightforward. Williams can win the west. Ignatieff cannot.
Williams has led a province through some of its darkest times and not an easy province to lead either. He knows what it takes to speak the truth with respect and have his views heard. BC residents will respect him for his awareness of logging and fishing issues, Alberta can be won over by his refusal to bend to the feds over the Oil clawbacks, Manitoba can relate to Newfoundland as one of Canada's other "other" provinces, consistently seen to be out of step with Ontario and always treated like a middle child.
Ontario just wants someone smart for a change. Ontario could be won over to Williams based only on the fact that he would be the only candidate who might look nearly as cool as Obama. In fact, Williams is taking on the U.S. in a nice way, with the Abitibi expropriation case. He's right and he'll win but he has, at least so far, done so nicely and with dignity. Harper has recently learned to ape those qualities but his act smacks of that fuzzy sweater from his latest election campaign - you can tell he can't wait until people stop expecting him to behave this way so he can take it off and return to his usual dead-eyed self.
Quebec likes a man who stands up for what he believes, Newfoundland and Quebec have both rejected federal control at one time or another, I think there are greater affinities between the people of those two provinces than we consider. Both have distinct cultures identifiable by even the most uneducated observer. Both are "down home" provinces happier to have a kitchen party than a Gala any day of the week - no matter what Harper says more artists gather in kitchens across this country than have ever even seen the inside of a Fairmont Hotel during a Gala. (I should know, I have worked Galas and let me tell you, they are chock-a-block with politicians. If artists are present they are usually the one in the corner of the room wearing the not-quite-appropriate ensemble and nervously trying to muster up the nerve to make eye contact with the Minister of somethingorother, while seceretly hoping they won't strike up a conversation and wondering where the guy with the appetizer tray has gotten to because they can't afford to eat things like like smoked duck on potato galettes or wild mushroom springrolls and they probably won't be able to afford that kind of thing for a long time to come. The artist at the table at the Gala is easy to spot because they finish their dessert and they do that because they won't be eating anything that decadent for a long time to come.)
As for the maritimes - I would argue that they have been Canada's second-tier Canadians for so long now that it is about time they had the opportunity to vote for one of their own. No, we don't have the same racial divide that they do in the states. (Ironically though, a big part of our African-Canadian population comes from the maritimes.) What we do have is a geographical divide and it is time the least among us in that regard, held the reins of power for a while. Canadians love an underdog and Newfies are our underdogs in almost every way - have been for decades.
I know Williams hasn't expressed the slightest interest in this - he should, his country needs him and I don't think it is just doable, I think it is crucial.
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