More Changes

It's surprising to me how much changes after marriage. Feeling more secure in one's relationship can't help but have a positive effect. I wake up happy every morning. Even if I've had a night full of nightmares, which sometimes still happens, (I'm making some pretty big adjustments after all) I'm happy to see his face, happy to know his affection is not up for negotiation, just basically happy. There are some other things though, things that surprise me and not always happily. Adjusting to a new kitchen, new methods of cooking and new supplies of food - I'm not much liking that at all. I just finished a dinner that was entirely unsatisfying. Makes me grumpy to think I spent all that time cooking and eating this stuff with no dessert to make up for how entirely uninspired and unpalatable (to me) it was. I ate it because it was fuel, nothing more, nothing less. I tried to cook pork in a way that would have rendered it delicious in Ottawa. I put it in the oven and slow-cooked it for nearly two hours. Slashed the fatty areas and threaded them with garlic, put it on a bed of mushrooms and onions, threw in some peppers and sweet potatoes and covered the whole thing with tomatoes, added some cider vinegar to cook things down and a little olive oil in case the pork wasn't fatty enough (which is often the case these days unless you buy a heritage breed) it should have all melted together and gotten delicious. It didn't. I don't know if it's because of the convection oven or just because whatever took me two hours in Ottawa takes four hours here but it was undercooked, the flavors did not blend and it was just plain - yuck. I used to be good at this. People think I'm still good at this and that's one of the worst parts; everything I make smells delicious and it is usually such a huge disappointment when I taste it - it's just frustrating and embarrassing too. How is it possible that I'm going through this stage? It's like I've never cooked before and that's just not so. My husband, Gd bless him, ate it anyway and said it was just fine. I ate it and ate the salad, made with bitter lettuce that I do not like and am now resentful because I've nourished myself with stuff that was a waste of the calories if you ask me and there's nothing to show for it and nothing to make up for it either. And it instantly gave me gas. This seems to be the case on a fairly regular basis. I am making my way through organic, local foodstuffs. I am very pleased to shop local. I am happy to be able to provide nourishing meals to my husband and save him some time in the process but if you'd asked me to trade every bite of tonight's substandard meal for one decent piece of chocolate cake? No contest. Now the rest of the bitter little salad sits at my elbow waiting to be consumed. I've had my quinoa, I've eaten my vegetables - what did I do to deserve this? Granted, I've lost weight and I feel better for eating healthy and I suppose I will eventually learn how to use all these things - gluten free this, whole grain everything, quinoa and millet (which, granted, I like when he makes it) but I am never going to like this bitter lettuce and right now - well, I'm just grumpy. I wonder if all brides go through this? Seems as though everything domestic that came so easily to me on my own needs to be reassessed and tailored to fit a new reality. I know it's all good but it's not always a pleasure. I love my new life but I do miss the pleasure I used to get from cooking and eating delicious food. I miss my identity as a good cook, I miss chocolate chip cookies (yes, made with white flour) and I miss knowing for sure that anything I put on the table is going to taste just as good as it smells.