In Austin, winter comes in little spikes and then goes away again. By February, summer clothes will be all a person needs here. Right now, there are days when a jacket is a good idea and nights when scarf and gloves make sense but it will never be as cold as it is in Victoria or Ottawa or even New England and the sun shines every day.
I never thought I'd understand snowbirds. All my life I've wanted two things, my freedom and security. Seems to me now that alone, those two things cancel each other out. In order to feel safe enough to consider options, a woman really needs to be married. I was foolish to think it could be any other way.
The paradox of life is very much with me now. Things, places, situations, relationships - yes, they can become yours forever but even your forever won't last. As much as you love anything, everything - life is a temporary condition. It feels permanent but it's not, an element of loss is built in for everyone just because we all, one way or another, love each other.
So we keep our eyes on the things we want to keep - that's the only sensible way.
I can't help but notice the rest of the world is slowly catching up to some of the choices I've been forced to make in order to make my own life livable. I read an article about living in a smaller house today. Apparently it is becoming chic. I have lived for so long in an apartment that is under 500 square feet that I'm no longer comfortable with the idea of living in a space larger than 1200 square feet with someone I love. I look at houses and apartments to imagine how life might be for us some day and find that most of the ones I reject have one thing in common, they are too big.
More than anything else, if and when I am finally able to live with someone I truly do love, I want to live close.
So the year draws to a close and who knows if I will be able to keep my love, freedom doesn't matter so much to me anymore, now it's love and security. Maybe it's a function of the season but really, I think I'm just finally realizing what matters.
random thoughts on the passage through an ordinary life.
About Me
- Stephanie Farrington
- I figure if there's an average person, it's probably me. That is to say, I have lived in a few places, probably about average, I have a post-secondary education and an unfinished MFA - which is probably average for people who pursue and education, I'm hitting middle age, my job has been downsized and resized so many times it's safe to say I've never had any job security. I live an average life on the precarious edge of the middle class. I'm happily married to an American, I hold Canadian citizenship, for now. But I'm so disgusted with just about everything going on in Canada that I may pursue changing my citizenship to match my husband's. I am fiercely loyal to American ideals, in part because they make sense and in part because I am descended from a signer of the Declaration of Independence. The idea of an equitable democracy, a meritocracy - that appeals to me. I write, I read, talk, take pictures and worry - just like everybody else. The hopes I hold most dear are for the health and well being of my immediate family, myself included, and the continuance of my happy life with my wonderful husband. Everything else seems manageable.
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