Fare Well?

If you've been reading this blog, you've watched me go from being unreasonably involved with someone and trying not to talk about it. You've seen me find my way, meet my husband and now, settle into my new life in New England with this wonderful man.

Some people have come here to read this blog out of jealousy or a feeling of entitlement to the details of his life. I was offended by that but everything I've said here was true. Sometimes it was only true at the time, but true nonetheless.

I'm proud of most of it and at my ease with the rest. If you are a "mermaid" from Burma who assumed you had a romantic future with my husband, I'm sorry your dream didn't work out but I can tell you this; a better dream awaits you.

When I had to give up Austin, I assumed my life would be unhappy forever. Sounds dramatic and silly now but that thought, under those circumstances was still very real to me.

I do think it possible that some people get stuck in an unhappy life and never find their way out. I've seen it happen and I assumed it would happen to me. Through the benevolence of circumstance or the grace of the Creator, I found another way. I am grateful every day.

But I am also learning to be compassionate about those who stay rooted in misery. I know a few, although I hope I am wrong, I often suspect my mother and sister are two of those people. It's not clear to me, given the choices they've made in life, that getting out of that habit would be easy but I hope something changes to heal them. Souls cannot endure an unending stream of misery and misfortune without becoming permanently damaged. Maybe if we could all remember that, we'd be kinder to each other.

As a child, my mother was indifferent to me; as an adolescent, she was hostile; as an adult she is baffled as to why our relationship is so difficult. On an extended visit, I asserted my right to a full airing of our grievances (very "Festivus" of me) too forcefully and she resorted to violence. She threw dishes to the floor on one occasion and on another, threw things at me and flew at me, fists balled in rage.

Now she is blind and she suffers at the hands of my sister's neglect. While I cannot sit silently by and do nothing at all, neither do I feel compelled to rush to her side. She was cruel to me and now she bears the cost of that. I would say I wish it were otherwise but I am happy in my life now and while I hope her suffering is truncated and have taken steps to help, I can and will only go so far. I am kind but just as she left me without a protector, she is left.

If I had money, I would send it. If having her visit my home would help, I would try to arrange it. As it is, she loves my sister and her children and wishes only to be with them. All I can do is alert her support network in Victoria, as I know it to exist, and hope someone will visit her. She needs to sell her house and move into something bright and cheerful by herself but that would result in my sister having nowhere to go and so it will never happen. They are bolted together, the two of them. My sister, angry at her dependence on my mother and my mother, frightened to be alone.

Karma, when it really plays out, is difficult to observe. Worst of all when it effects someone you love on your own behalf. My friends all say my mother is finally getting her comeuppance and that the time will soon come for my sister to have hers but I don't think I believe in comeuppance. I would wish gentleness on everyone. Surely it's only through gentleness that any good and lasting change is ever accomplished. I would like to see my sister happily employed and housed in her own two bedroom apartment. I would like to see my niece with a place of her own. I would like to see my mother ensconced in a condo she could love. One where everything works well and where there are no rats or other vermin, one close to everything she needs, with a social support network that brings feelings of security and some pleasure with it. These are the things I wish for these people. They are small things, nothing so miraculous as what I've been blessed to be given this year but I think they are the things that will give them the most room to grow and the most cause for happiness.

I don't know but I think it takes something away from a "victim" when they have to witness the suffering of those who hurt them, especially when it's framed as "poetic justice" or "karma" for past misdeeds. It's true, I think, that only the devil could think up punishments, God, surely, must be a good and forgiving place to lay one's heart - "a safety", as I once heard an Inuit child put it.

Anyway - having felt the sting of having someone else use this blog used as a tool of "girlfriend intelligence" (however misguided) I feel pretty alienated from it and I wanted any readers to know I am carrying on the arc of this blog in another blog on Word Press called, New to North Adams. I'm reluctant to make any predictions about how this all will go but it seemed to me that without saying what needed to be said there was little to no hope of my every returning to write here.

Unless you are married to a man, you have no right to intrude on his relationships. If you have victimized someone, you lose the right of the normal expectations that accompany whatever relationship you poisoned that way.

Lord knows I love my mother and I respect her for what she's done for me and the efforts she has made to grow over her lifetime. I'm grateful that we've made our peace and I will always defend her dignity. I mourn for the wounds she suffered and wish her life had been easier. I'm sure there is even some love left stashed somewhere for my sister but after decades of unkindness, it is only natural that my feelings for them are somewhat weak. No matter what, having been betrayed by my own kindness so many times with them, I would be a fool to let it put my life at risk now. And regardless of what happens in Victoria, I will stay in New England with my husband. Also regardless of what ex-girlfriends or extended family may think, do or say, the debts of past relationships are irrelevant now. I release it all.

I may be back to write - it may dwindle away. Life is full of surprises. No matter which way it goes, I want you to know I have enjoyed writing to you and wish you a life full of comfort and joy. Most of all, I wish for you the kind of marriage that makes forming a true family possible - a solid and enduring love to make a safe and welcoming place in the world for your heart and soul. Having finally found that love in my own life - it seems anything but ordinary.