December in Victoria

I know it's been a while. I've been afraid to write - then there was a new computer and the upheaval hasn't helped.

Anyway, I'm back.

It's December, in five days I will leave Victoria for maybe a few months - maybe forever. In Austin, before I left, an elderly palm reader told me it was important for me to work out my relationship with my mother. At the time I thought it unlikely.

Within days of arriving in Victoria in late September, I decided the palm reader was absolutely wrong. We fought. I was angry. It was clear to me she was still giving everything she had, everything she has, in every way, to my sister. I felt she didn't care anything about me.

My birthday is Friday. I am leaving first thing in the morning to go to Connecticut for Christmas and then back to Ottawa. I've written the LSAT. I am going to apply to law schools this month and next. My grades are good, my resume is strong. I expect to get in.

I feel as though I have put things in order and gotten back on to my own path and somehow in doing that, the relationship with my mother has healed itself. I love her. I want the best for her. I am no longer envious of my sister. I've finally learned the lesson that means so much to me in theory - finally learned it in practice. Love is valuable for the act, valuable for loving much more so than for being loved and when I really understood that the gate swung open and I understood, I have been loved.

So now I will get on an airplane on the morning of my birthday, the day she brought me into the world will be the day we say goodbye. And it might be the last time.

Two months ago I wouldn't have cared about that, now it seems almost impossible to bear.

I pray to keep my heart open. Pray to accept that I am doing the right thing, pray that she knows I love her and that I can remember that she loves me.

Maybe it was cruel to leave on my birthday, it was the only day that worked in every way and so I will have to accept that.

Accept it.

Accept love.

Accept growth and try not to be afraid to cry. After all, only people capable of love can cry over things like this. The trip to Victoria has been a gift of such value, beyond all expectation. It's humbling.