Contradictions

Recently, whenever I take a bath, I find myself thinking about something a former boyfiend said to me when we met. We were talking the way people dating do when I mentioned how much I enjoy reading in the bath.

"I don't take baths." he said, "I haven't had a bath since I was a kid." He seemed a little put off by the very idea of having a bath so I, like any other reckless dater, pressed him. "Why not?" I asked, "Maybe taking a bath could help you loosen up the muscles in your neck - you know, the one you're always saying are to tight? Baths are very relaxing"

"I can't stand the idea of soaking in my own filth" was his answer. I felt smacked. The way he said it made it clear that he thought baths were disgusting, as though the detritus of walking through his daily life was so revolting the thought of touching it was enough to make him sick.

Later in the relationship this same person refused to clean the shower. His reason? Since he used the shower to get clean and since he was basically clean and only used soap and water in the shower, the shower could not be dirty.

At the time, I let it go. Despite my natural inclination to point out weaknesses in people's arguments I do try very hard to allow people to hang on to the ideas that seem to trigger their strongest responses. It is only by accident that I end up hitting them so hard and so often.

Now I take a bath and sit there while whatever it was that was most recently clinging to my skin, presumably swirls around me and I think that kind of contradictory belief may be central to how many of us move through the world.

The boyfriend in question suffered from severe kidney disease. His horror of his own waste was, I suppose, quite natural for him as was his belief that an external force could carry that waste away leaving no trace at all.

We all have these central metaphors that we live, I think. The trick is to find a way to see our own so that we can understand our own motivations and learn to stop navigating blind.