Climbing Out

Dark day, passed.

If anyone reading this has a sense of narrative suspense, here's something I'm doing right now.

I'm invited to visit Massachusetts this summer. Since my work is rooted in the computer, that's pretty easy for me to do. Provided, that is, my employers pay me on time. This year they've found it nearly impossible to do that. I've felt shame about that and I know a lot of other freelancers/independent consultants take that shame on themselves too. In the last few days I've realized, this is not my fault.

I've kept my word, I've delivered and I've kept my rates low and my deadlines incredibly flexible. People seem to think that means they're more important to me than - well, more important to me than me.

This is where that ends.

On Saturday, May 14, the lodge at Mt. Greylock is opening for the season. Someone I care about has suggested we go. They will be having a number of traditional Mohawk activities, a blessing, storytelling, dancing and I'd like to be there. I have Mohawk roots and I've never seen a Mohawk ceremony despite having been to numerous sweatlodges, pipe ceremonies, blessings and even a potlatch.

If two overdue payments don't come in today. I can't go.

Money has always bothered me. I am ashamed of the need for it, I'm uncomfortable with it, I don't value it. It's done too much damage in my life to have any place of honor with me. But the fact is, we all need it and it's past time I came to terms with that reality.

My ability to do what I need to do in the time I need to do it depends on my ability to be confrontational over the next 24 hours about money.

I can hardly describe what utter revulsion and fury I feel at that fact.

We all have these issues, I think. The things we would rather die than deal with. But the problem is, we can choose to avoid them and we don't die - that's not the choice. We choose to avoid them and they press closer, they begin to rule our lives, they stay with us and like a guard in a basketball game, they block us from doing the things we need, want and deserve to do.

So here's the choice - play hard against that guard, confront him and shove him back where he belongs, or lose.

I'll keep you posted.